Words Will Never Hurt Me

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." -Children's rhyme and outright lie.

I have meditated, studied, and prayed about the scripture "the power of life and death is in the tongue. Proverbs 18:21"  Many times.  Words are important to me after all.  They tell stories.  They can build someone up but they can also tear them down.

I try as a mom to be affirming and loving.  I don't always do the best job.  My tongue can get away from me and I can say something harsh.  Then your child repeats it back to you.  And oh, it stings.  Stings deep.  You can only imagine how their little heart must have felt.

As a wife, you can say something that cuts straight to the quick.  Sometimes unintentional, or worse completely intentional.  Because sometimes we want to make a point, darn it!  Then you see the look in their eye.  Your words have hit the mark.  That look hits the mark in you.  You feel ashamed that you hurt the one you are supposed to cherish the most in this world.

It says over and over in the Bible that words matter.  Words created matter.  God spoke into existence. God spoke and it was there.  So where do we get this horrible notion that words cannot hurt me?

Pride, ego, and bitterness are the roots of this lie the world projects onto children.  Granted I don't think we should be offended or sensitive.  We should measure the words that come to us from the source.  But more on that later.

As parents we teach kids to say kind things to one another.  We want to edify them as well as them edify others.  I have been particularly focused on speaking life giving words over my children, home, and spouse.  Those things that we release in spoken word, will be in existence where you are.

Then I saw a meme.  I love memes, funny, profound, silly, inspirational.  Any kind really.  This one was convicting to the core!

If the words you spoke appeared on your skin... Would you still be beautiful?  

Oh my! I can answer honestly, no.  Some parts might be, but how often do I say negative things?  A lot!  About myself, about annoyances, about anything really.  

"From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Matthew 12:34"  For real!  

So how do we fix this?  It's not just about choosing your words, it's about transformation from the inside out.  That comes by agreeing with God's word.  

I know people will come along and say ugly things to me, my children, my husband. The words may attempt to pierce us and they may hurt us, but we need not be wounded by it.  We need to always consider our source.  Not the source of the words being spoken to or over us.  Our source of identity.  What does God say about you?  If what is being said doesn't line up with His opinion of us, then we can lovingly say I choose truth and move on.  

When we are in agreement with who God says we are, we speak with honor and lovingly to those around us.  Because who wants to act unbecomingly when walking in their identity in Christ.  You are His image bearer. 

At the end of the day, do I want to build people up? Do I want to speak life over them?  Do I want to share what God says about them?  Absolutely!  Because words matter, choose them wisely.   

The Importance of Community

No man is an island.  No woman is either.  

During our two year journey, we had no idea the depth of community we would experience.  When we were on bed rest, the Lord had poured out so many people to love us, care for us, and see us through.  These people were family, friends, and brothers and sisters in Christ.  

For me, receiving help was unthinkable.  I'm supposed to help people.  Not the other way around.  This was another area of humbling that God was working out in me.  So instead of my standard"no that's ok, we are alright," I had to say yes.  

When a friend would call and ask, hey can I stop by to bring dinner?  Yes.  Can we come sit with you for a few minutes and play with Zoe?  Yes.  Can we come pray with you?  Yes.

At first it was hard, but then I was incredibly grateful.  We wouldn't have been able to make it without every phone call, visit, meal and prayer.  We grew in our relationships with people.  We even started new ones.  

It truly felt like an image of the church in Acts.  Pouring out for ones in need. The pouring didn't stop after Amelia was born.  As you've read, we continued on a path of needing people.  God provided incredibly!

During depression or anxiety, God would send someone to call and pray for me.  Some things would bring breakthrough, others were great encouragements on the way.  

When I threw my back out and we had hand, foot, and mouth the week before our move.  A team of women from church came and packed up the remainder of our house.  I sat and teared up as these women spent all day packing our kitchen and bathroom.  Even when we moved and I was unpacking each box from our kitchen and bathrooms, I would thank God for those women and pray blessing over them.  

Not many would have a friend that would offer for them to stay with them while they transitioned homes.  We are so incredibly grateful for that time and provision!  

Each person was a cog in the wheel of our lives.  Our lives kept turning, when we thought it was stopping, because of each one of these people.  Truly the hands and feet of Christ in action.  Much has been given to us the last two years.  We only hope to give that much more as we have moved into a new leg of our journey.  

We now have a new portion of community to expand into.  We have new neighbors and a new town.  We hope to carry into this new portion lessons we learned during this time.  Sowing into people God's love and provision in times of need.  

If you ever feel lonely or you desire to be in the mission field.  You ARE in the mission field.  You have family, friends, and neighbors you can impart Christ to.  Through your blessing, you may change someone's world!  

Enjoying the Journey

I love road trips.  I mean really, I LOVE road trips.  We recently went on a quick Mother's Day trip to Waco.  My hubby is so sweet and said that I could choose everything we did.  Which, obviously, included Magnolia Market on the first day.  Because like many of you, I'm addicted to Fixer Upper and Joanna Gaines is my design guru.

To get there from where we live, we go a tad bit out of the way to travel down one of my favorite drives in all of Texas.  It is gorgeous hills, plains, farms, livestock, wildlife, quarries and big skies.  My heart skips a beat just thinking about God's majesty on that road.

I was talking to the hubby as we drove and told him how much I love to take these trips.  A lot of the reason being the drive.  The journey to our destination and not necessarily the destination itself. It hit me how much I don't have that same feeling in my every day life.

If every day is a part of our journey, then we should stop to enjoy it.  Right?

I know realistically we are all human as none of us enjoy suffering, delays, pain, but hear me out.  If I would have stopped more over the past two years and said thank you for what God had given me, EVEN the trials, I think I would have been able to enjoy the journey a little more.

When I see the mountain of clothes that need to be folded and put away, thank You God we have clothes to wear.  When I see the dirty dishes in the sink, thank You God for food to eat.  You get my point.

I spent so much time grumbling.  And I know I will grumble again because it's sin nature.  But I pray that I can take these aha moments and remind myself to enjoy where God has me. I hope to have less time wasted and more time praising, even in storms to come.  

God has given us a fountain of joy that we can tap into at any time.  We have to choose it!

Zoe hula hooping at the Silos.

My Magnolia Market finds.

The girls relaxing at the hotel.

First trip to In N' Out Burger! DELICIOUS!

Amelia enjoying the ride.

Last day at Homestead Heritage.  Is there any place more serene?

Praying each of you enjoys your journey today.  Right where God has you.  

Hope in a Hopeless Place

After my grandmother's funeral, we continued to treat for lice and my stomach kept getting worse.  Sick, tired, and sad.  So very sad.  During the anxiety I could feel again, but I felt too much.  I was crying all the time and miserable.

A friend had asked me to come over one day to sign up for Plexus.  I was interested because I had heard good things about it helping your gut health.  I was desperate for anything at this point.  I never told her this, but when I was sitting with her in her breakfast room, I was so sick I was on the verge of tears the whole time we talked.  I was in so much pain.

As this progressed for another week, it got to the point that I was holding no food down.  When you live with chronic illness it's hard to determine what to take note of.  How do you know when is a time to seek attention, when you always feel like garbage and it feels like nothing new?  You just are so used to being ill that you don't know what should send up a red flag that you need immediate attention.

Well my red flag was blood.  More precisely blood in my stool.  Sorry if it's too much information.  Just telling you the truth.  I thought "well that's never happened before".  I was still hesitant to go to the ER.  My husband and cousin forced me to go.

I spent a few hours in the ER and they said that I had an intestinal infection.  My white blood cell count was elevated and they gave me another antibiotic.  Which I reacted to.  So I couldn't take that one.  I was running out of medications I could use because after my penicillin reaction, almost all antibiotics have caused me to flare up.

I stopped taking them and told the doctor.  He prescribed something else.  I had the same reaction.  I also ended up going back to the ER because of the pain.  When my husband and I got home that morning, I laid in bed and thought "well God, I guess this is it.  I can't take medication I desperately need to get better.  I guess the next thing is to go septic and die?  Is that how this ends?"  Sounds dramatic, but I can assure you when you are ill enough to have an infection running rampantly unchecked and causing intestinal bleeding, it's not far off the mark.

I resolved to talk to my husband the next day about wills, wishes, etc.  I was not sure what the next few weeks would bring.

The next day the Plexus came in.  I said "God if this stuff works, I say yes to it!"  The small glimmer of hope in me sparked the last bit of fight I had.  I was so worn down, it felt like I was dragging myself along by my arms because I wasn't walking anymore, metaphorically speaking.

After the first few days of some improvement, but nothing major, I took the BioCleanse.  I woke up the next day feeling amazing!  I hadn't felt that good in, well, ever!

A friend of mine whom I had been talking to over the phone immediately noticed a difference.  She said "you sound lighter?  Happier?" I told her that God gave me a new tool for my tool belt and told her what had happened.  She was shocked!  She was one of the only ones who knew how sick I had been for months and literally overnight I sounded like I could take on the world!

The ER doctor asked that I see a new GI doctor.  This was my 5th GI doctor and I had been diagnosed with everything under the sun.  Diverticulitis, gastroparesis, gastritis, esophogitis, IBS, IBD, polyps, ulcers... The list goes on and on.

I saw the doctor and he wanted to do another colonoscopy and endoscopy.  In the two weeks I waited for my procedure date, I continued the Plexus Triplex regimen.  I was happier than I had been in over a year.  When that chronic pain was removed, it's like a whole new life was opened up to me.

My procedure date came and I was slightly apprehensive at what they would find, because hey, you never know.  When I came to, the doctor came and said that everything looked good.  No sign of any of my previous diagnoses. No diverticulitis, no gastritis, no IBS, etc.  I was shocked!

He had taken biopsies and I would have to go in for those result the following two weeks.  I left excited and of course loopy from sedation.  I kept on my regimen and kept feeling better and better.

I had never felt this good in literally my entire life.  34 years of stomach problems, over 20 of which were chronic and acute, gone!

I went in for the biopsy results and everything came back normal! No chron's disease, no ulcerative colitis, no celiac disease.  My doctor said "you don't need me anymore."  I was like "what?"  I've never not had GI doctor in my adult life.  What do you mean I don't need one anymore?!  I have been able to walk away from a chronic illness, one that I thought would be with me forever and be the death of me, with a completely new lease on life.  Who does that?  GOD that's who!

He gave me an avenue of healing that I never expected.  All I had to do was say yes to His plan.  He rewarded that obedience with healing.  Radical, miraculous healing!  He has done that many times with me, but I never expected for this part to be healed.  I had it so long!

Do I think Plexus healed me of these things, yes and no.  God used it to drastically reduce the inflammation causing the pain, clean out the infection, and save my life.  God did the rest.  He basically gave me a clean slate by miraculously healing the abnormalities and deformities in my gut.  He brought me to my lowest point, mentally and physically to show my complete dependence on Him.

A friend of mine spoke a word over me before we moved out of our old house.  She felt like the Lord was saying to me "you will be torn down, but you will not be destroyed."  That is exactly what happened.  I was completely torn down in every way, but I was not destroyed.  And He is building me back up!

You know how I said it felt like we were plagued?  Little did I know that God was doing something deep in our hearts.  A few weeks ago during Passover, our pastor mentioned how the Israelites wandered and endured hardships in the desert for 40 years.  God took the Israelites out of Egypt, but he had to take the Egypt out of the Israelites.  God was pulling out the Egypt in me.  The areas I had allowed compromise.  The areas I had allowed too much of the world to be in control of me.  Those things don't come out through being Suzy Super Christian.  They come out through trial and pain.

God isn't done with me yet.  I have yet to do everything He wants me to.  I now have the future to do it!  Let's go move mountains people.  We have work to do!

Walking through the Valley

After moving, my depression morphed into extreme anxiety. Panic attacks everyday.  I was having issues in relationships and I was having a hard time even getting up every day.  I had two kids, so I had to.

I lived in fear.  Fear that the house would ever be built, fear that I would lose everything, fear that life would forever feel like this.

My digestive issues worsened.  I didn't think it was possible at the time, but it did.  I was throwing up almost every meal.  I was in constant pain.  My body was not healing at all.

I tried to put on a brave face for my family, but we were living in close quarters.  My eldest would always ask through the bathroom door "Mommy, are you throwing up again?"  I did not want that for her.  To have a sickly mother.

But I had always been sickly.  Always had the weird or extreme illnesses.  Always dealing with some issue.  34 years of stomach problems.  Made worse in intermediate school.  Then worse again in college and increasingly worse by the hour at this point in time.  

I was so tired.  I could basically make my kids food and that was about it.  My husband was working a lot and the friend we were staying with had gone to help out another dear friend that lost her husband.  It was easier to hide illness that way.  Just keep all interactions surface and happy and I was alone a lot of the time.

I ended up in the emergency room again in January.  They gave me a CT scan and it showed some gall stones, but they couldn't figure out the rest of my symptoms.  It was disheartening.

The next day I found out I had LICE!  Really?  Something else?  I had to treat everyone in the house for 3 weeks because we all ended up getting it.  That same day my grandmother passed away.  It was like a punch in the gut.

I really felt like we were plagued at that point.  Death, lice, blisters, injuries, illness, house delays, etc.  So many things were piling up.  I was about to burst.   I honestly was waiting for frogs or hail to crop up at any moment.

These type of stories always have a ray of hope.  I couldn't see it yet, but it was coming.  We were at the lowest of the low and we weren't prepared for the next step along the way because it completely and utterly changed our lives.

Continuing Forward

After the events surrounding my little girls birth had settled down.  I pushed all those hard feelings down.  Deep, deep down.  I wasn't ready to deal with the memory of my body being close to death.  I wasn't ready to deal with the emotions of how my children's and husband's faces looked when I left that day on the ambulance.  I wasn't ready to talk to God about it because I was so mad.

I did vow however that I would not set foot in a hospital for a long time! That's for sure!  Little did I know that over 6 months straight of antibiotic use and that severe of an allergic reaction had left my body completely wrecked.

All my minor allergies before that incident were now magnified.  I would swell and gasp at the smallest hint of allergen (food or antibiotic).  My entire digestive system was tanked.  I had no good gut bacteria left in me.  I tried eating healthy, but I had nothing to digest it.  Every single stomach issue that I had had from when I was a child were much more severe.

They just continued to get worse as time went on.  I made it the first year of my daughters life, dealing with serious and intermittent illnesses, but I just kept swallowing that bitterness and pushing forward.  I'm surprised I was not severely depressed.

The euphoria of having a new little one was great! She was an excellent sleeper, ate like a champ, and was just a chill baby.  Exactly what I needed after having a sweet and rambunctious older girl who was none of those things when she was a baby.  It was much easier to adjust to the second go around.

April of 2015 landed me again in the emergency clinic.  I had pneumonia.  Apparently after lung and throat swelling of anaphylaxis, you are more susceptible to pneumonia in the future.  I had another IV put in and had to do breathing treatments again.  All those angry thoughts and feelings came bubbling to the surface.  Does God enjoy letting these things happen to me?  Am I some sort of whipping boy?  Why me?  Again?!

That's when the depression hit.  I spent that whole summer numb.  Nothing truly gave me joy, nothing truly bothered me.  I just was.  And for a crier like myself, to not be able to cry and to feel nothing, that is a big deal.

In the midst of all of this, we decided to make our move to the country.  Land was calling to us! We got our house ready to sell and bought some property with my parents in a small town 40 minutes north of where we were at.

Our house was on the market for only a month!  The Lord blessed us greatly in the sale.  Still I lacked the joy or feeling to enjoy the moment.  While we were in the last week before moving, I threw out my back.  I could not move my spine at all.  Ended up going to sports rehab for over a month.

We also had a bought of Hand, Foot and Mouth virus run through our girls and my husband at the same time.  It was hard not to feel like we were experiencing the plagues of Egypt.

Once we moved, we stayed with a sweet friend for what we originally anticipated as a few weeks to a month.  We ended up staying for almost 6 months due to insane hold ups with our home builders and contractors.

So much has happened in the last 6 months that it needs a separate post.   Again this is not the end of the story! God can do so much even in our pain and suffering.